fifty first blog

last night i saw my mom leave us. i know it is right that we go on separate ways, it is only biblical that when the children grows up and decides to have a family of their own, they will leave their parents to go with their spouse and start their own family.

i have this heavy feeling in my heart, despite knowing that it is right, my heart troubles me and my mind wanders as to where my mother could be right now as i am writing this entry.

i did not ask her to leave. the request was for her to go home to my grandmother's house in manila to refresh her mind and to unwind. she has been very negative as of late and she almost hit our housemaid in the face yesterday. i wasnt there to witness it. i was just told by both parties about their versions of what happened and i opted to talk to them with both parties present.

my mom, was apparently appalled at how our helper shamelessly talked back at her when she called her attention on something yesterday. i on the other hand could not blame my helper since my mom si a big nag. she must have been able to bear with it for two years but perhaps she's already had enough of the ill tempered talks my mom used to shower them with all the time.

I called up my dad for sound advice as well as my cousin who is older than i am and who is far way mature than i am spiritually. both of them prayed for me and for the situation to be fixed. my cousin told me that he could pray for me, at the same time if my mom will stay there will always be a conflict and a battle since she is very negative. she is an example of a person who grew old attending church services but was not transformed spiritually.

bottom line, she left with three bags and a paper bag. I told her she just needs to rest in my grand mother's house and go back on Sunday when the maids are all gone. we offered to drive her to manila, but she vehemently refused. all the while that it is happening i feel like an outsider in my own life. until now, i have no words for the gamut of emotions that were tugging at my heartstrings at that time.

i feel for my mom. i love her but she could not be happy with us. she has always something negative to say. i know she loves me and my son but i dont want to be unhappy just as she is. she could never be contented. we tried to show her we love her in so many ways, but whenever we act on our love for her, what we get is a snide remark for something she doesnt like about how we did things. i could go on and on about this to tell myself i should not feel bad. but i do feel bad.

i watched my mom left last night. i know that there should be a time for separation. but i did not wish for it to be that way. i wanted it to be a good one. but somehow it had to end that way. i only have myself to blame for being spiritually nonchalant as of late. i could have prayed more, i could have listened to the holy spirit more. now my heart is breaking for the remembrance of my mom leaving us last night like somebody who was sent away. she did not even looked back. i know she would have wanted to kiss my son goodbye but she was too in hurry. i know my mom, because i take from her, and to her, i opted to keep the maid and send her away which is not the case. i told her i will let the maid go as scheduled on sunday and i wanted to just keep them apart since she might end up hitting the maid.

im a complete mess right now. i just pray that my mother is safe somewhere in the company of people who are spiritually mature. lord please keep my mother safe. she hasnt answered her phone or any text messages.

my dearest husband gave me a new laptop!!! Isn't he the sweetest?

Too happy to create a blow-by-blow account of my new laptop story for now. Too busy tinkering with my toy. Will make an entry next time.

Thanks Lord, you're the best! Thanks for giving my hubby the resources to buy this wonderful gift and for sparking that idea into him. Thanks for giving me a sweet and loving husband. :)

on Friday of last week - April 24th, my father decided to bring us to SM Marikina to buy my son some sando and pjs. It all went as planned, we first bought baby clothes and then went down to the supermarket to buy some grocery items. Prior to going to the grocery we passed by the kids shoes section where i saw a pair of rubber shoes that i wanted to buy for Nathan. While I was about to put it on him, he kicked it and was about to cry, perhaps to indicate that he doesnt like it. So to prevent him from wailing, we went ahead and proceeded to the first floor to the grocery section.

When we got home and started sorting out the items we bought, we realized that we dont have the plastic bag that contains the things we bought for my son. We thought we forgot to retrieve it from the car and since my husband went to the hospital to visit his father, i just sent him an sms to inquire whether we left it in the car. Much to my dismay, my husband later on confirmed that it was not there. Ergo, we lost it at the mall. When i tried to recall the days event, I realized we left it at the seat at the kids shoes section.

I told my dad about it the next day since he was the one who bought it for my son. He just then instructed us to go back for it the next day. He said we just ought to pray so that we can find it. Unfortunately, we didnt get to go back to the mall the next few days due to other things. So I was thinking it's probably lost for good.

Yesterday, we went to the same mall to do our bi-monthly grocery shopping. But since i was the one who lost the items we bought the week before, we first went to the kids clothes section so i could buy the same items. I purchased the same items plus 4pcs of underwear for the little man. After paying for the items at the counter, i saw a supervisor. I then told him about what happened last week and told him that that the receipt has my name on it, since they swiped my SM Advantage card. He then offered to help us out and look it up. After 10 minutes, he went back together with the lost items. He just asked us to sign something to acknowledge receipt of the retrieved items.

I was so happy and grateful to God! To ever consider it forever lost is very stupid of me. If God brought my trainee's father back from being in a coma for more or less 2 months, how much more about giving us back what we lost??

God is truly wonderful and awesome!

Over the last couple of days after the high that i got when God delivered the father of one of my trainee-turned-friend-and-brother-in-Christ, i felt my enthusiasm slowly ebbing away again. I felt myself starting to get caught up in the mundane things of this world. i found myself starting to become impatient once again. questions starting to fill my head once more, about why my current state - in all aspects, remain the same. the trials we faced a year and two years ago are still facing us now (Financially) pay day after pay day. all the more that i could feel it pressing on me now, due to a family crisis that my husband and his family are facing.

my father-in-law was rushed to the ust hospital intensive care unit thursday early morning of last week. immediately upon arriving there, one of my brother-in-law was requested to deposit a minimum of P100,000.00, to which he handed over his car key to the admission attendant. well, to cut the story short, i feel so helpless. i was thinking that if we should be able to help if we claim to have God's blessings. but we dont have that much money.

last sunday after an afternoon siesta with my husband's family - his eldest sister and her 2 daughters, as well as his brother who opted to remain unmarried due to familial obligations and his three other nephews from his other brother - at robinson's galleria, they walked us to the victory christian fellowship center before heading back to the hospital. after the service, just as when we were about to go down to the parking lot, i heard someone calling my name, well shouting my name actually. when i turned around, i saw a former church mate and old friend - John. He was one of the people that my dad helped. he's actually not able to finish a college degree but i would say that he's one determined folk. he told me during our brief conversation that he also goes to church at victory and that he already owns a house in Pasig and in Cavite and that his sister, who used to be a good friend of mine - was also able to purchase her own house in Cavite.

those were all the words i needed to hear and i felt all the questions came flooding back at me. the dam of doubt came flooding back, questions about my standing, the prosperity, the bible verses - all came back to make me feel unsure. unsure because my current situation is contrary to the things that i was told.

last night when i got to the office, I did talk to my friend and brother in Christ - James. Told him that i'm starting to feel spiritually dry. he gave me encouragement to which im grateful. but im waiting for God's word. and when i opened my mail, i found the answer to my questions. my prosperity is detained because, my heart seeks those things more than i long for God. I was reminded of Matthew 3:33 (Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.) I should not distract myself with longings for worldly treasure because it will definitely come, when the Lord can fully trust me with his blessings.

He has always been that way to me. back in my younger days, when i have something i really really like, when that something occupies the number one spot in my heart, i find myself not getting that thing. when i finally told myself that its okay even if i dont get it, that's when God would give me that thing, when he can finally be certain that He's back on the number 1 spot of my heart. The same thing happened over the Mandy Moore concert - yeah I should transfer my blog entry about that here.

Anyway, here is God's word for me last night, which is followed by a much deeper revelation concerning the same matter.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

    Seekest thou great things for thyself?

    Jeremiah 14:5
    http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=jer+14:5&sr=1

Are you seeking great things for yourself? Not seeking to be a great
one, but seeking great things from God for yourself. God wants you in
a closer relationship to Himself than receiving His gifts, He wants
you to get to know Him. A great thing is accidental, it comes and
goes. God never gives us anything accidental. There is nothing easier
than getting into a right relationship with God except when it is not
God Whom you want but only what He gives.

If you have only come the length of asking God for things, you have
never come to the first strand of abandonment, you have become a
Christian from a standpoint of your own. "I did ask God for the Holy
Spirit, but He did not give me the rest and the peace I expected."
Instantly God puts His finger on the reason - you are not seeking the
Lord at all, you are seeking something for yourself. Jesus says -
"Ask, and it shall be given you." Ask God for what you want, and you
cannot ask if you are not asking for a right thing. When you draw
near to God, you cease from asking for things. "Your Father knoweth
what things ye have need of, before ye ask Him." Then why ask? That
you may get to know Him.

Are you seeking great things for yourself? "O Lord, baptize me with
the Holy Ghost." If God does not, it is because you are not abandoned
enough to Him, there is something you will not do. Are you prepared
to ask yourself what it is you want from God and why you want it? God
always ignores the present perfection for the ultimate perfection. He
is not concerned about making you blessed and happy just now; He is
working out His ultimate perfection all the time - "that they may be
one even as We are."

His word today:

WHAT YOU WILL GET

    Thy life will I give thee for a prey in all places
    whither thou goest.

    Jeremiah 14:5
    http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=jer+14:5&sr=1

This is the unshakable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him - "I
will give thee thy life." What more does a man want than his life? It
is the essential thing. "Thy life for a prey" means that wherever you
may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life,
nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in the shows of
things, not in the way of property and possessions, but of blessings.
All these have to go; but there is something grander that never can
go - the life that is "hid with Christ in God."

Are you prepared to let God take you into union with Himself, and pay
no more attention to what you call the great things? Are you prepared
to abandon entirely and let go? The test of abandonment is in
refusing to say - "Well, what about this?" Beware of suppositions.
Immediately you allow - What about this? - it means you have not
abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon,
you think no more about what God is going to do. Abandon means to
refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you abandon
entirely to God, He says at once, "Thy life will I give thee for a
prey." The reason people are tired of life is because God has not
given them anything, they have not got their life as a prey. The way
to get out of that state is to abandon to God. When you do get
through to abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and
delighted creature on earth; God has got you absolutely and has given
you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of
disobedience or a refusal to be simple enough.

And finally i leave you with a few lines of one of my favorite Gospel songs:

To seek your face and not your hands
To fall in love with the Holy Lamb
To steal your heart with one look of my eyes
To seek your face is my heart's cry

The date is april 17^th. It was a beautiful day, the sun is out and we (you, me and your auntie Crystal) were inside our room having a trip down memory lane by gazing at the old pictures in our desktop computer. It has been your habit to sit down my or your dad’s lap whenever we’re in front of the computer. Then all of a sudden while you were walking around, you broke the monotony of our exchange of thoughts when you walked behind me, placed your hands on my shoulders and planted a kiss on my right cheek. “Aawww… that’s sweet”, your auntie Crystal exclaimed, while it took me a few seconds to let it all sink in.

My little boy giving me a kiss, yeah how very sweet.

Last Saturday, God gave me the blessing to pray for one of my trainees in Cebu. Prior to his actual certification date (was originally Wednesday of last week but was moved to Saturday), he was already corresponding with me via SMS to let me know that he's actually feeling demotivated due to personal reasons. His father has been in a coma for more or less 2 months now. He's torn between his ill feelings towards his dad and the love that he has for him as a son. He is confused and sad and he was afraid to go through certification thinking that his current situation will make him automatically fail his certification.

Through God's grace I told him to talk to his dad, even if he's not conscious. To let his dad know all about the things that he's been holding against him, forgive him and release him from all those things. He said he'll do it.

Last Saturday, after we finished with one certification proficiency and before we started with his second certification (it was conducted via videocon), he told me again of his current situtaion. The Holy Spirit led me to counsel him and pray for him. He agreed to accept Jesus as his personal Master and Savior. And then we prayed for healing for his father. In the past, with the old church we used to go to (where God took us out through His grace) there is a disclaimer right away when you pray for a sick person. They (the elders and leaders of the church) would pray for healing but then all too quickly in the same prayer, they would say that if it's God's will to take the person, then so be it. But God shed a light to that by telling us later on that He is a very specific God and whatever we tell him in prayer, that He will do provided its in accordance to His divine will. So God led me to pray for his father. The Spirit led me to say that we are specifically asking for his father's healing and that we know that God is all powerful and no one can stop him. And that we believe that he will do what we asked for, for we believe that this asking is in accordance to His divine will. The Lord did not let me utter that disclaimer, instead He's made me firm in my asking that we wanted healing for my trainees father.

Yesterday, whenever i remember them, i utter a prayer for him and his family. And yesterday afternoon, on our way to church, I got a message from my trainee. He said that his father is finally awake!!!

God is truly amazing! As the song says: He is mighty to save. The message in the churhc is also very timely - resurrection!

I praise God for His mighty display of power, let it be known that my God is a truly awesome God!

Tomorrow I’ll be watching Delirious’ Farewell concert. This will actually be the first time I’ll be watching a concert wherein the performer is a Christian band. I’m so looking forward to this. I have always wanted to watch a Christian concert but somehow there’s always something that will come up that will prevent me from attending the concert. This time around I did not let the opportunity to slip by, especially with Delirious formally disbanding this year; I prayed really hard that I get to watch the said concert. Initially, we were told by our department director that we will be attending a training this week starting tomorrow – which is the day of the concert. It’s supposed to be a train the trainer training or T3 as they wanted to call it here in the office. We were told that it will either be from 4pm – 8pm or 9pm – 1am. Immediately after our director informed me about it, I slipped saying: “Oh no! That’s the day we’re watching the concert.” So she did inquire what the concert was all about and who will be watching with me. I gave all the information she requested, telling her that I will attend the training but thinking out loud wishing that the training be scheduled earlier so that I can go to the concert after. Thursday came and our director approached me again to tell me that she has good news for me and that I’ll be able to watch the concert since the Training heads who were supposed to train us for it, backed out due to some other things they needed to prioritize. That sure is an answered prayer!

Here’s the poster of the concert, courtesy of my friend James, who will be attending the concert with me. =)

Delirious

how frustrating! i already typed a blog entry for today, but my laptop did just went haywire and i lost it. the bad thing is, i was not able to save it. hay!!!

lazy... busy.... lazy.... busy....

My Lakbayan grade is C-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at http://forge.codedgraphic.com/lakbayan">Lakbayan!

Yeah I wish I could travel more. This time around it’s harder since I want to bring along my son as well. That will mean bringing along either my mom or the nanny along as well, which would of course mean a bigger budget for the travel. Dang! the html codes from the Lakbayan site is not working properly with vox! Hay!